The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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