Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.