You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?