I'm eating all of the evidence.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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