I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
