Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.

Fav 12 2703 1171
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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(555): View more from

Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

That's my new pick up line call me a polish name

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.

Fav 1 1177 566
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me

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(916): View more from California

You're incredible, and I'm drunk

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