dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
