How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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