you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
