he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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