I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
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My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz