Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
