new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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