We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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