Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
