you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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