when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
