She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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