I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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