my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My vagina is officially offended.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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