Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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