you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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