I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
