So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
