I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
