The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
