she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
