I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
