last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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