New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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