My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's just like the Real World with babies
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
