You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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