Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
