I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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