you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
