you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
