i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
