Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
