if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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