so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
