I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
