Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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