I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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