Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
