I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
