do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
