I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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