do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
