It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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