Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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