I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
