If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
