I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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