It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
