so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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