My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
